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Tuesday, May 31, 2005


About what I wrote previously, that was not to imply that I believe myself worthy of Heaven or better than you in any way, Beloved. It's just that we're talking more than just opinions, these are beliefs that have already impacted me and you, Beloved, and more is still to come. So yes, I do believe I've found the way to Heaven, what you'd call serateh mostagheem, but what is Biblically referred to as the narrow gate, and I want to share it with you, Beloved. I make no apology for that, and I won't conceal my motives. And I'm not saying who's going where and why, I don't know that, just that the best way is the way I've found. While all things are possible with the Lord, it is not for us to impede Him by sugar-coating truths to make each other feel better. And in the end it's the Holy Spirit that leads each of us to the Truth. But as St Theresa of Avila said (in so many words) that the goal of a person seeking holiness should be to drag other souls to Heaven with him.

The last thing I want is God forbid! my actions to impact you, my Beloved, by pushing you into error as a reaction against me. I can't forgive myself for that so I'm praying to God not to let that happen. Dearest Beloved, this fear is a big reason why I find myself unable to speak about these things to you.

I have so much to tell you, I hardly know where to start.

Dear God, forgive my errors and presumptions, and let me be corrected where I'm wrong. And please guide me and my loved ones to the right path.

In Christ,

Sunday, May 29, 2005


THE APOSTLE'S CREED: I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried, He descended into hell; the third day He arose again from the dead; He ascended into Heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty, from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen.

Once I was daydreaming about Heaven trying to imagine what it would be like to be in my glorified body.

Catholics believe that our bodies as well as our souls will be in Heaven. Our bodies will be reunited to our souls after Judgement Day, but prior to that some souls will already be in Heaven. A saint is any person who went to Heaven. Jesus Christ, having been resurrected three days after his crusifiction, is already in His glorified body; He is also called the New Adam, and the First Fruit.

So I was wondering if our glorified bodies will have the same properties as Jesus's, since it seems he can take on any form, appear and disappear either in His glorified body or without, etc. Or is that special to Him being who He is?

Obviously, our glorifed bodies will be very different from our Earthly bodies, for one thing, not prone to aging or diseases. Basically our bodies will be physical. The curse of Adam and Eve will have been lifted, that's why no aging, death, or diseases. But will there be hunger? Food?

The more I think about it, the more mysterious it is. Of course as Muslim there were all those physical descriptions of Heaven with its sensuous delights (and Hell with its physical punishments), but there I was free to think it was a metaphore or something. I wasn't explicitly told that our physical bodies would be present. I mean while putting two and two together makes it seem obvious that Islam believes in the resurrection of the body at Judgement Day and then in physical Heaven and Hell, it is not explicitly specified as an article of belief. Not the physicality of it. (I bet if I polled a lot of Muslims, many would state similar opinions of the one I had).

Anyways, my attempts to imagine Heaven ended up in my imagining that I'm in a park sitting at a table. No that's not right, so I imagined a banquet on the table (there's are banquet images in the Bible), then one by one I put people on the benches. Still not right, so I looked across the table and there you were, Beloved, then you Beloved, and you and you and you..., soon it became everyone I ever knew. Now I was happy.

Friday, May 27, 2005


To my earthly beloveds, both those who know my secret and those who don't. There are things I so long to tell you but I can't. My beloveds who know my secret, sometimes I see myself through your eyes and I understand your incomprehension and bafflement. You see me as insane, a complete and total loser. But it's ok, I understand. I'd feel the exact same way if these things had happened to someone else. And even if I could tell you I wouldn't know how. And to my beloveds who don't know, you don't know how I long to speak of these things and tell you what I'm going through.

Lord, how long?

I intend to fill this space with my witness, sort it out here, perhaps until the day the Lord lifts my veil of silence, so that I may find myself better prepared for that day.

Lord, forgive my presumptions and errors in anything I write here. Grant that I may learn of my errors and grant the humility that I correct them.

In Christ

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